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Introduction Post

Mom before kids is 2013

“You have to understand WHOSE you are to understand WHO you are”

I’m sitting here eating apple sauce thinking about Chronicles of a Single Christian Mother. And I’m like, how do you start this thing? Right?

So first,(chewing) my name is Marjulee. I’m 37. My birthday was in February, so, um, I’m an Aquarius. I just turned 37. I have three wonderful, beautiful children.

Francisco King Colon, he is seven. He’s gonna be eight, November 7th. I have Clarence Rey Colon, he is going to be six, June 17th, right around the corner. And then I have Marciela Alma Colon, and she’s gonna be five, October the eleventh. In a few, and if you really think about it, everything is around the corner with these guys. You blink, and it’s already Christmas. (child in the background lol)

Anyways. So, you know, they, they all have the same father. Um, I say that life really changed; there was a long time of back and forth, for like eight years, Um, I say that life really changed, cause there was a long time of back and forth. But it really changed for us during COVID And I’m sure that a lot of lives changed during COVID I’m sure that a lot of stories can start just like this. But we separated in like June. I remember. It was right before Father’s Day.

October of 2020. My sister Destiny, who’s my very best friend in the whole entire world, that was Destiny Marie Maldonado now Rivera, at the time, she was scheduling an October 31, 2020 wedding.

So her husband was working out in Massachusetts, and they were in a hotel, and there was back and forth. And eventually she just ended up moving in with me. (chewing – sorry!)

During that time. And it was just like God’s province, when God knows everything that’s going on and he sees the bigger picture and.

He plants everything together and he makes a purpose. And it really is true. He turns everything for your own good, because she ended up being just like.

I said, she’s my sister, but she’s my best friend.

She is my other part of my brain. But we were there for each other during, ya know, crazy times.

Wait, honey.

2020 was definitely one of those. And from 2020 till now, my sister and I, we still live together. We’ll definitely talk more about that. But as far as their dad, he ended up moving to Florida. And we are here in the great old state of Pennsylvania. And again, God’s providence, you know, raising my children. Although it’s never one’s goal and it’s not the way God intended it to be. But when we do things out of the will of God and in our own time, like had I waited and had I heeded all the signs that God gave me, I don’t know if I would have these three beautiful children. And what I do know is I wouldn’t change the fact that I have these three beautiful children. And I was told – I’ll get into that part of the testimony, but I never imagined life with children growing up. You know how some people have a fairy tale, like, “oh, I can’t wait.” Well, not people, but some women specifically, have a fairy tale.

Like, not me. I never wanted to have children. I never allowed myself to think that I could have children. And I was told at a young age, I was like 16, that I wasn’t going to have children. I wasn’t going to be able to due to medical conditions. And so I remember being with their father, and I wanted a baby so bad. And I told God, I remember this explicitly, I remember where I was. And I said, “God, I will handle the consequence of whatever it is, if you just make this happen for me.”

And God, being the father that he is, he obliged. And when I thought that Francisco was going to be my miracle baby, there was a tinge of sadness, because I thought, Wow, he’s going to be an only child and again God grants your heart’s desires and than I got Clarence and I had two boys. And when I found out that I was pregnant it was literally 6 months later, Clarence was only 6 months, I’m breastfeeding and I’m on oral contraceptives. And um, they tell me I was pregnant again and I wasn’t going to go through with it. I had called a couple of different abortion clinics. What I found really profound when I did that is, it was so sad, it was just so sad for me and I just couldn’t. I felt it was so unfair that I chose life for these first two beautiful boys and I wasn’t going to make, give this life that same choice. Like How unfair of me um but anyways obviously I have her and she is my precious baby girl, she is Me and that is hard to deal with let me tell you.

Going back to their Dad, what I was going to say was, I feel like we are in a better place where we’re able to communicate although it’s definitely not easy. But we can communicate more now and there’s conversations that I have with him now that I know I could have never had them than with him then had we not had that time to separate. And He’s doing so well in Florida that I know he would not be doing what he is doing there, here and I am okay with that. And I’m able to raise these children in a manner that I see fit without that interference of the version of him that Pennsylvania made him to be because the Florida version of him, he has taken advantage of all opportunities that have been presented to him and he’s succeeded at every single one. I always knew he had the potential to that, thus my attraction but something about the Pennsylvania version of him, would not let him be all that he could be and so he is doing very well and I am very thankful of that.

The way that I choose to raise my children also, I have full control over and that’s a double-edged sword. That’s ya know, a bit of a curse and a blessing. Um but what I do know when we get the opportunity to interact, all of us together, there are some things of the secular world that I am thankful that my kids are not exposed to on a daily basis.

He does have another child. Their dad. He does have another child who is also in Florida with him, um that can be very stressful, that can be very difficult, uh to handle and that always brings a lot, a lot of emotion and I am sure we will get into that at some point here but I see the differences between the children and some of the things that they say. Um his other child is 6, so right in between Francisco and Clarence. But those three boys they’re definitely brothers. I have a total of 7 siblings and I’m the only one from my mother and father, all of my siblings are half or step but I have Never called them that. Like, I have never introduced here this is my step brother or this is my half sister, No. Like I said my youngest, not my youngest, but one of my younger sisters, who is Destiny she is my best stinking friend so uh she is more than my sister and it’s really hard to get passed more than that but…

I would introduce this Vlog and these set of Blogs as just me trying to navigate life. And the reason that I feel that my specific view is so needed right now is because it is through Christ that I am doing this.

There is no way that I could do this without God. I didn’t find, I mean I always knew God ya know. I’ve always prayed. I was always in search of something, different religions. Just not, I’m very logical, I’m a rational person, things have to make sense in my mind. There was just something about religion that didn’t click and it wasn’t until July of 2020 that I had a spiritual encounter and I mean it really started this supernatural vision to see things in a different light. There isn’t any one in this world that could reverse my views on God and how important that personal relationship is. Because we are “First-Time Humans”.

You know when I became the “First time mother” I always thought that was so funny because it’s like you’re always in “first time mode”. Like even with subsequent children because we all know, mothers of multiples, that they are all different. So just because you have one it doesn’t mean that you know what you are doing. It might get easier but this is still your first 5 year old, your first 7 year old, your first 10 year old, your first 11 year old like you know. This is your first year to progress with your first child and you’re still in that first time process in years with the multiples. You might be able to take things ya know that you’ve learned from the first child and apply it once that second child reaches that age, like hey this worked for this one, I can try this or different variations of it but you are still in that first-time mode. I don’t know, I always thought it was funny… (inaudible)

Being a Christian though and having that understanding, I feel like I have dodged a lot of bullets. I have experienced a lot of trials since July of 2020. I mean, you don’t just fall in love with God and everything is just great.

This is a tumultuous relationship because unfortunately it’s you, God and ya know, the devil, Satan, Lucifer, the negative of human nature, the fallen man and you just have to understand WHOSE you are and understanding WHO you are because of WHOSE you are, creates a foundation of trust, and worth, and love. I’m telling you that as a single mom, with three kids, so young, so close in age, like I am overstimulated a lot of the time, I am depleted a lot of the time, I do not have the energy to do things. I have medical, excuse me, I had medical issues. I believe that God is in the process of healing me because I am feeling different. I am noticing things that, I haven’t gone to the Doctor for tests but I know my body and I know that things are changing. But it’s just because I am unraveling the years of lies and deceit that have been fed into my body and going back to me being a logical, rational person. I’ve always loved biology and science. So when I think of things I do think of them down to the cellular, molecular, level. There was a study that always stood out to me when I was very young, very young. I had to be like Francisco’s age like 7 or 8. They had done a study where they told a group of people that they were going to die, that they had a terminal disease. Like, wow, drastic right crazy, for a test. I mean people sign-up for these things but you know whatever. They told a group of people that they had terminal illness and that they had some odd months to live. There was a very high percentage (Mom!) of people who they’re cells heard this and actually started believing it and responding and giving up and breaking down and no longer conducting (boo!) their cellular duties. Organs started non-functioning, shutting down and it was because they were verbally told that they were going to die of this terminal illness, they assimilated this information into their being and started having those constant thoughts of “I am going to die” and

Another take away that I take from the bible. I try to remind myself of this every single day, because this is why I speak to my children the way that I do and it’s because LIFE literally comes from your tongue. God has created us in such a way that every time we open our mouth it is an opportunity, an opportunity to create and what is it that you are going to create?

I was just having this conversation with my 5 year old today. Every thing that comes out of your mouth is what you say that’s going to happen. So if you say I’m good, I’m good, I’m good; you’re gonna start feelin’ good. But if you say I’m feeling bad, than you’re gonna start feelin’ bad. Just like when you say that your sister’s dumb, you hear that enough you start to think that you’re dumb. You say no, you’re smart, you’re intelligent, I can’t believe you did that. You always wanna speak life into people because that always stuck out to me. That it can actually cause a physical response. Like your words can actually cause a physical response. So you know, it’s a test they bring these people back and they tell them that you’re not actually dying, this is just a part of the medical, the medical research was actually placebo effects. How do people respond, how does the body respond to information and it always stuck with me and I know that…

Ministry is looked at through many different lenses and I just, I love to engage with people. I love to share with people. I love to impact people. I love to be the reason that someone smiled. Like sometimes I see people in the grocery store and they look sad and I just stare at them because I want them to look at me. I just want to see them smile. And I’ll smile. And it’s awkward when someone random smiles at you. But you smile. And than you kinda’ think about why you weren’t smiling and for a moment you have a reason to smile. Like a genuine smile. Like it started off weird and kinda’ forced but before you know it, you’re genuinely smiling and that can be what turns a crazy day around. I like that. I like to be the cause behind joy and happiness and through these struggles that I intend to share and be open and transparent about. I do, I do hope to inspire, to encourage and if you don’t have Jesus in your life, plant that seed and if you haven’t tried Him yet, why not? I’ve done a lot of things to try to numb the pain and you know, nothing has brought me more joy, more peace, more blessings, than having a relationship with my creator, my Father, my Abba, with my Dad.

But this was good. This was a good start. Sign out now. Signing off. One thing I will add is, so I’ve been writing this down, like entries since like 2020. Probably not, probably January of 2021 I believe, was my first entry. I got an idea today, from my Pastor at church, one of our pastors, Pastor McKay, she’s so stinking funny, to include the writings. Some people just like to read. I was like “yea that is a good idea.”

I am pretty sure that that first entry doesn’t introduce anything and say this is where we are or what this is going to be. It wasn’t even called that at the time. But I am also going to post the entries to coincide with the videos. I don’t want those ideas to be wasted or those stories and testimonies to go unshared, that’s the whole point. But I am going to add the corresponding, coinciding entries so bloggers can read that. I am open to questions. Q&A is always good. I am definitely open to that. But until than God Bless. God Bless you, your family, your loved ones.

MAMA!

That’s my queue.

Mom pregnant with Marciela in 2018
Mommy, plus 3

Recorded 5/27/2023

From Miscarriage to Miracles:

How God Turned My “Never” Into Three Children

Blog #3

When I was 15, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, and my periods were extremely abnormal. I was told it would be nearly impossible for me to conceive. At the time, it didn’t make an impact — I honestly didn’t care. Growing up, I never fantasized about marriage or motherhood. Some women dream about those things often, but I didn’t. To be transparent, I always believed I’d be a horrible parent, and I wasn’t eager to wear that hat or take on those responsibilities.

Looking back, I realize I was always trying to escape my reality. I’d been smoking weed since I was 12, drinking by 13 or 14, and by 17 and 18 I was doing Ecstasy and popping “Mollys.” I had my own car at 15 — I saved and bought it myself — so in my mind I felt like an adult long before I actually was one. Living that kind of lifestyle definitely builds a selfish mindset. I couldn’t imagine being “tied down.” Maybe one day I’ll dive deeper into my childhood, but not in this blog.

Fast forward to 2014. I used to travel often for work and was conducting training in Ohio. I had always experienced excruciating period pain when my cycles did come, but this time was different. I ended up in the ER. As I laid in the hospital bed, the doctor told me it appeared I had miscarried.

In that moment, I felt nothing — completely numb. I called my supervisor, who had become a close mentor. As soon as the words left my lips, I broke. I cried and hyperventilated on the phone. The company ended up flying my mother out to be with me — something I’ll never forget. My supervisor orchestrated it, and the VP approved it. I will forever be grateful.

That moment changed my life. Like I mentioned in my introduction, I believed I would never conceive. But suddenly I had been almost a parent, and the privilege felt ripped from my womb. I cried at the realization that I had come so close to motherhood and believed I would never even experience it.

After going home, two weeks later, my grandfather Francisco passed away. Devastated was an understatement. What was happening? Why was God allowing blow after blow? Every fiber of my being was exhausted from simply trying to make it through the day. I remember praying and begging God for a baby. In my mind, I felt like this child would fill both voids swallowing my reality. I told God I was willing to bear any consequence or burden, no matter what it looked like. And let me tell you — God answers prayers, even when those answers come wrapped in suffering.

To this day, I honestly don’t know why their father wanted to have a baby with me. Maybe he sensed my sadness and wanted to fill that gaping hole. Doubt it. Maybe it was selfishness. But it felt like a mutual agreement to start trying. I remember going to the doctor and saying, “We want to know the next steps.” I’d already had multiple surgeries for Endometriosis. The first procedure they planned was to open my fallopian tubes — known to be painful. We scheduled the appointment, I remember it being in February.

But before they perform that procedure, they require a pregnancy test because it can cause miscarriage.

And I remember sitting there waiting for the Doctor to return to get the procedure started and when he walked in “Welp change of plans, you’re already pregnant”. I was already five weeks pregnant with Francisco. Exactly six months after my grandfather’s passing — part of the reason why I named my son after him.

The first year of Francisco’s life was so rough. Beyond new motherhood, breastfeeding, and going back to work, the relationship with their father didn’t improve. Being trauma-led, I had built an “identity” in dysfunction. It had become a mindset. I placed my worth in becoming this man’s “main choice,” assuming validation would come if he chose me over the other woman. Even when God kept giving me proof, I chose to believe the lies. I justified his actions and defended him endlessly.

We separated during Francisco’s first year, I briefly moved in with my mom. During that separation, he got the other woman pregnant and had a son. Reliving it makes me feel foolish. In hindsight, like how could I be so blind? Love was blind, because somehow I believed his lies and went back.

When the Lord blesses you, He does it abundantly. On Francisco’s first birthday, I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant with Clarence. Things with their father weren’t good, so while breastfeeding Clarence, I was also on a contraception. But when Clarence was just six months old, I started feeling nauseous. I dreaded taking another test but the second line appeared instantly.

We had separated again. I knew I couldn’t handle a third child mentally or physically. My mother was my only support and I couldn’t put her through this again. I wasn’t prepared for another baby, but there I was — pregnant for the third time.

I considered abortion. I called clinics, I even scheduled an appointment. The calls felt so cold. No one, no one asked why I was considering it. No one asked what was going on in my life. Just insurance questions and appointment times.

I drove to the clinic one morning and parked. I sat there crying… and I left.

At work later that morning, my supervisor pulled me aside and asked what was wrong. I told her everything. I’ll never forget her words:
“You have to do what is right for you. You have to live with this decision. If you want this baby, don’t have an abortion for your mother or for this man.”

I love her to this day for that. I went through with the pregnancy, and God blessed me with Marciela, Marciela – mi ciela — “My Heaven.” My beautiful princess.

I wish I could say the relationship ended there, but it took another two years of emotional and mental trauma before God made it impossible for me to stay and possible for me to leave.

Then 2020 hit. Isolation began. And that’s when God started doing the real work behind the scenes. My awakening.

I share this part of my story especially for women who are pro-choice. I used to be pro-choice. But when I was the one in the situation, I fought with the reality of what abortion actually is. Women across the globe pray the same prayer I did: “God, give me a baby.” And there I was, ready to throw that gift away.

When faced with the decision to end a life — a heartbeat — I couldn’t go through with it. My relationship was falling apart. A third baby felt financially impossible. The home was unstable and unsafe. But I had made choices that put me in that situation. And even though abortion felt like the “easier” road, I knew deep down it was wrong.

I chose life. I chose the harder road.

And today, like even in the hardest moments, when I look at my three kids, I can’t, I can’t imagine life without them. They are everything good in me. They are the air that I breathe. They filled voids I didn’t know existed. And I thank God, I thank God for entrusting them to me. Life is hard. Life is hard with them, but life without them wouldn’t be worth living.

If you or someone you know are considering abortion and just want to talk please reach out to me privately on any of my socials. I am not here to judge your final decision but I will listen to your why and be a safe space for you.

The year is 2014…

The year is 2014. I am sitting in the driver seat of my 2012, 6-speed Chevy Cruz by the Lehigh Canal park in Allentown, with a razor blade in my hand staring at the pulse on my left wrist.

I am battling myself in my head. Honestly trying to muster up the courage to end my life right then and there. Sure, I thought about my family’s reaction to my death. But in that moment I was more concerned about the car. I remember looking over to the empty passenger seat and asking myself; “Do I really want to get blood on these seats? Who would clean it up? Would they resell the car?”

My grandfather Francisco was still alive at this time. The depression I found myself drowning in wasn’t caused by the emotional abuse from the father of my kids. I had been lost long before this moment and long before running into him. I had no sense of identity, no foundation to stand on. No hope for a future. I was living in pure mental anguish.

In fact, the first time I ever contemplated suicide I was just 12 years old. I remember that night quite vividly in fact. It was dark, I sat on the back steps of our Livingston town home, staring at the midnight blue, starlit sky, with a stolen bottle of my mom’s prescription pills. I didn’t know how many I needed to kill myself but I told myself I’d just take the rest of the bottle to be sure. Thankfully I didn’t go through with it at 12 and I didn’t go through with it at 28 either.

In my next post I will circle back to the year of 2014. I chose these memories to set the stage, to place a spotlight on the importance of maintaining one’s sanity through knowing Jesus our Lord and Savior. Life’s biggest fact, is that the loudest voice which exists in our heads, is our own. For as far back as I could remember, I have had a consistent mental void, a corner of my mind dedicated to darkness. Sure, I’ve been through trauma but haven’t we all? When I think back on the multiple times I’ve considered ending my life, something or someone has taken hold of me in the nick of time.

I had my supernatural encounter with God in July of 2020. Let me be the first to tell, just because you are saved does not mean that life is now peaches and cream as you frolic through a field of wildflowers, with the wind blowing through your hair like a Beyonce video. In fact, in most instances everything starts to fall apart. For me, since then the last four months of the year have been extremely difficult on my mental health. I couldn’t even describe the level of hopelessness and despair that has invaded every cell of my being. It can only be compared to a pit inside of your stomach, so deep, so hollow, that it consumes you slowly from within. Now, add trying to parent from a place of emptiness. It has been by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I’m being transparent here and vulnerable about my struggles with depression and suicide. There may be some reading this thinking that a relationship will fill that void, that children will fill that void, that the perfect job or series of accomplishments and fulfilled goals will fill that void. I don’t mean to burst your bubble but there is no worldly thing that will fill the emptiness or take instant possession of that space in your mind. There is nothing but the light of the Lord that will illuminate that type of darkness.

And one last caveat, when you do turn to Jesus, it is an ongoing choice to believe the words delivered in scripture. When you are in your darkest moments, even then you will have to choose to reach up and grab the hand of Jesus and let him pull you out of the murky waters.

I have been writing this post for over a year now. I started about a three weeks after my Introduction post and that was in June of 2023. I haven’t felt worthy of writing it while I was still struggling with suicidal thoughts. I was waiting for a moment where I could end this and say Jesus fully healed me. It isn’t there yet. Shortly after I began writing this post I went through a series of traumatic events and I thought that maybe I was fooling myself about Jesus’ love for me entirely. The one thing that is different as I enter this season, is I am prepared. I am prepared to lean on his word when I feel like the world is crumbling around me.

To think this is only my second post and I haven’t even detailed the Summer of 2014, where my life really started to change.