From Miscarriage to Miracles:

How God Turned My “Never” Into Three Children

When I was 15, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, and my periods were extremely abnormal. I was told it would be nearly impossible for me to conceive. At the time, it didn’t make an impact — I honestly didn’t care. Growing up, I never fantasized about marriage or motherhood. Some women dream about those things often, but I didn’t. To be transparent, I always believed I’d be a horrible parent, and I wasn’t eager to wear that hat or take on those responsibilities.

Looking back, I realize I was always trying to escape my reality. I’d been smoking weed since I was 12, drinking by 13 or 14, and by 17 and 18 I was doing Ecstasy and popping “Mollys.” I had my own car at 15 — I saved and bought it myself — so in my mind I felt like an adult long before I actually was one. Living that kind of lifestyle definitely builds a selfish mindset. I couldn’t imagine being “tied down.” Maybe one day I’ll dive deeper into my childhood, but not in this blog.

Fast forward to 2014. I used to travel often for work and was conducting training in Ohio. I had always experienced excruciating period pain when my cycles did come, but this time was different. I ended up in the ER. As I laid in the hospital bed, the doctor told me it appeared I had miscarried.

In that moment, I felt nothing — completely numb. I called my supervisor, who had become a close mentor. As soon as the words left my lips, I broke. I cried and hyperventilated on the phone. The company ended up flying my mother out to be with me — something I’ll never forget. My supervisor orchestrated it, and the VP approved it. I will forever be grateful.

That moment changed my life. Like I mentioned in my introduction, I believed I would never conceive. But suddenly I had been almost a parent, and the privilege felt ripped from my womb. I cried at the realization that I had come so close to motherhood and believed I would never even experience it.

After going home, two weeks later, my grandfather Francisco passed away. Devastated was an understatement. What was happening? Why was God allowing blow after blow? Every fiber of my being was exhausted from simply trying to make it through the day. I remember praying and begging God for a baby. In my mind, I felt like this child would fill both voids swallowing my reality. I told God I was willing to bear any consequence or burden, no matter what it looked like. And let me tell you — God answers prayers, even when those answers come wrapped in suffering.

To this day, I honestly don’t know why their father wanted to have a baby with me. Maybe he sensed my sadness and wanted to fill that gaping hole. Doubt it. Maybe it was selfishness. But it felt like a mutual agreement to start trying. I remember going to the doctor and saying, “We want to know the next steps.” I’d already had multiple surgeries for Endometriosis. The first procedure they planned was to open my fallopian tubes — known to be painful. We scheduled the appointment, I remember it being in February.

But before they perform that procedure, they require a pregnancy test because it can cause miscarriage.

And I remember sitting there waiting for the Doctor to return to get the procedure started and when he walked in “Welp change of plans, you’re already pregnant”. I was already five weeks pregnant with Francisco. Exactly six months after my grandfather’s passing — part of the reason why I named my son after him.

The first year of Francisco’s life was so rough. Beyond new motherhood, breastfeeding, and going back to work, the relationship with their father didn’t improve. Being trauma-led, I had built an “identity” in dysfunction. It had become a mindset. I placed my worth in becoming this man’s “main choice,” assuming validation would come if he chose me over the other woman. Even when God kept giving me proof, I chose to believe the lies. I justified his actions and defended him endlessly.

We separated during Francisco’s first year, I briefly moved in with my mom. During that separation, he got the other woman pregnant and had a son. Reliving it makes me feel foolish. In hindsight, like how could I be so blind? Love was blind, because somehow I believed his lies and went back.

When the Lord blesses you, He does it abundantly. On Francisco’s first birthday, I took a pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant with Clarence. Things with their father weren’t good, so while breastfeeding Clarence, I was also on a contraception. But when Clarence was just six months old, I started feeling nauseous. I dreaded taking another test but the second line appeared instantly.

We had separated again. I knew I couldn’t handle a third child mentally or physically. My mother was my only support and I couldn’t put her through this again. I wasn’t prepared for another baby, but there I was — pregnant for the third time.

I considered abortion. I called clinics, I even scheduled an appointment. The calls felt so cold. No one, no one asked why I was considering it. No one asked what was going on in my life. Just insurance questions and appointment times.

I drove to the clinic one morning and parked. I sat there crying… and I left.

At work later that morning, my supervisor pulled me aside and asked what was wrong. I told her everything. I’ll never forget her words:
“You have to do what is right for you. You have to live with this decision. If you want this baby, don’t have an abortion for your mother or for this man.”

I love her to this day for that. I went through with the pregnancy, and God blessed me with Marciela, Marciela – mi ciela — “My Heaven.” My beautiful princess.

I wish I could say the relationship ended there, but it took another two years of emotional and mental trauma before God made it impossible for me to stay and possible for me to leave.

Then 2020 hit. Isolation began. And that’s when God started doing the real work behind the scenes. My awakening.

I share this part of my story especially for women who are pro-choice. I used to be pro-choice. But when I was the one in the situation, I fought with the reality of what abortion actually is. Women across the globe pray the same prayer I did: “God, give me a baby.” And there I was, ready to throw that gift away.

When faced with the decision to end a life — a heartbeat — I couldn’t go through with it. My relationship was falling apart. A third baby felt financially impossible. The home was unstable and unsafe. But I had made choices that put me in that situation. And even though abortion felt like the “easier” road, I knew deep down it was wrong.

I chose life. I chose the harder road.

And today, like even in the hardest moments, when I look at my three kids, I can’t, I can’t imagine life without them. They are everything good in me. They are the air that I breathe. They filled voids I didn’t know existed. And I thank God, I thank God for entrusting them to me. Life is hard. Life is hard with them, but life without them wouldn’t be worth living.

If you or someone you know are considering abortion and just want to talk please reach out to me privately on any of my socials. I am not here to judge your final decision but I will listen to your why and be a safe space for you.